Putting Myself Out There

Since my last "physical journal notebook" was filled quite awhile ago and I haven't yet committed to one single "new journal notebook," using this blog as a journal has occured naturally. I hesitate to write this publicly as to not "cast pearls before swines", but as my friends and family (with no pigs among you) I feel perhaps all can benefit from some recent experiences.
Within the past three weeks (with some crucial months leading up to it) I have had the opportunity to be the patient to Ambulance EMT's, ER Doctors, ER Psychiatrists, Mental Hopsital Staff, an Outpatient Psychiatrist and my most favorite: my own personal "hand-picked-for-me-by-a-church-member-friend" Therapist, Lisa. Diagnoses of Post-partum Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder and even a little Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have all been tossed around. It has been painful and has tried on my patience and hope, but as I laid sleepless in bed this morning two lessons stuck out to me.
The first is obvious: Bottle-feeding is WONDERFUL!! For those who knew my past difficulties with mastitis and thrush might understand this even more, but since I am no longer able to nurse (Ben's not quite ready for the Prozac Milk) a new world has opened up to me of being able to feed him while we are driving home from the store, in sacrament meeting and of course, my favorite Ian can help!!! (Please don't scrutinize the healthfulness of formula--we are all doing the best we can!)
The second lesson is still being learned, but through these experiences has been fine tuned quite a bit. That lesson is, that God lives, He loves us. He blesses us now and he blessed us with a Savior. If we are baptized and prove worthy, he blesses us with the constant companion of the Comforter, or Holy Ghost. And these truthes can all be understood so clearly through the Restoration of the Gospel. Allow me to illustrate the process in which this more firm testimony was gained.
A couple of months ago the missionaries for my church came to my house wanting to share with us the first lesson in a series about our gospel teachings. We were more than happy to offer THEM the opportunity to practice but it turned out to be more for OUR benefit. Elder Kassimatus challenged us to pray to know that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us, he testified to us that as a convert of 1-1/2 years he had done so and recieved a clear answer. That night I prayed, but nothing unique happened. The next day I felt almost guilty for having asked for a witness of something I had already learned to be true through other aspects of my life. I looked at my amazing functioning family and all the blessings we have recieved in our almost 3 years of existence and knew that God in Heaven does exist and He has been the one blessing us and sustaining us. I felt that had been a sufficient answer, and it had been. But Heavenly Father allowed me even more.
During a recent and severe panic attack I felt I would not make it through it alive. Any mortal incentive offered would not have been enough to take away the pain and doom I was feeling. I began to pray harder than I have ever prayed in my life, and vocally so that every sense of my being could participate in this process of lifting me out of the darkness and into, what I was praying for, the warmth and comfort of the Holy Ghost. Since there was no other healthy alternative I did not cease in praying until I was given enough peace from the Holy Ghost that my body and mind could rest from the attack.
Thankfully, my Heavenly Father did not stop there. As the emotional pain continued a few more days, our family was continued to be blessed. From small things like a neighbor who felt inspired to buy a can of formula at the grocery store the night before Ian had to ask her to watch Benjamin and Jacob for a full day; to huge things like Ian recieving UNE's only PA scholarship that if needed, will help fill in the gaps of any uncovered medical services.
And if all these temporal blessings weren't enough He did something two thousand years ago to help us today. He sent his Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to this earth to be an example for us of how we should live to not only please our Father in Heaven, but also how will make us most happy. Then after years of being the Perfect Example he suffered all pains, temptations and afflictions that anyone has ever felt. Then to fulfill the Atonement he died on Calvary, but not before first asking Our Father to forgive his accusors "for they know not what they do." Soon he was ressurrected, now having a perfect body, giving to us hope that someday ALL Gods children will be resurrected with perfect bodies, free of pain and discomfort.
Now to remind His children that He has not forgotten them still, Heavenly Father allowed for the gospel to be restored at a most challenging time in History. With Joseph Smith serving the Lord willingly and faithfully, we now have a fully restored gospel that includes modern day revelation, Prophets and the Book of Mormon.
I know full well that this bout of post-partum & post-major-life-changing-events stress is not the end of my tests here on earth so I will not act like gaining a testimony is a once and for all thing, but it sure does help to have a boost to your spiritual understanding during trying times.
It reminds me of the song I love Ian to sing to me when I'm having a hard time falling asleep, "Amazing Grace!"